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THE BOGGART BLOG SELECTIONS vol 6

Comedy / Satire / Sex / Religion / Politics
Our archive selections from the UK's top comedy blog Boggart Blog moves into volume 6. As usual this selection of posts covers a wide range of topics from sharp political satire to wild, surreal fantasy, dark, almost cruel ironies, incisive parody and ridiculous clowning. Explore this and other Boggart Blog archives for the best humour online and then stay and find your way around our Multi Media Labyrinth.
All posts protected by CREATIVE COMMONS licence: Some rights reserved. Distribution: Non - commercial, attrib, no derivs, All reproductions should be credited to "http://www.greenteethmm.com/" with a link back to our hime page if possible. email: edbuttuk@yahoo.com
Boggart Blog Select vol 6

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Last of the Summer Whine
2006-04-18

We hear that some curmudgeonly folk have been writing to the dear old Beeb complaining that Las Of The Summer Wine is past its sell by date. How dare they!

Must all be New Labourites of course, as Blair's shoddy, money grubbing government shuts care homes in order to finance tax credits for the super rich (look, if you are worth a billion or more we will pay you to come and live in Britain.) the type of people who write to the BBC, who must all be Blairites as nobody else is sad enough to write to the BBC, are trying to shut down the last rest - home for aged jobbing actors who never worked regularly enough to save for a pension.

And where have these people been for the last twenty years anyway, because its twenty years since a funny joke was heard in the show. And even that was in a scene in the antique shop.

Flogging dead horses, not to mention terminally ill Z - list celebs, is all to common in television but even The Boggart finds the practice of flogging dead actors slightly distasteful.

Most of the cast in LOTSW have difficulty walking now, although in the case of Peter Sallis that might be because he is wearing The Wrong Trousers, while some of the minor role players appear to be in a state of advanced decomposition.

If the production gets any more geriatric I will expect to see Mick Jagger and Keith Richard in cameo parts in trailers for the next series.

Lets Educate The World - not!
2006-04-13

Little Gordy Brown came up with a great plan to establish himself as an international statesman before snatching the Permiership from his former best pal Little Tony Blair.
I know, said little Gordy, we will end poverty and inequality by using British taxpayers money to build schools in third world countries. That will make the conservatives happy because it will increase competition thus driving prices down, it will make liberals happy because it has the right kind of bleeding heart appeal and it will make old labour happy because it is socialist, internationalist and egalitarian.

But once again little Gordy found out that Tony had outflanked him. By investing the education money in management consultants for schools Tony had managed to dumb down Britain so much the average third world kid was brighter than the average U.K. University graduate.

"Grrr," said little Gordy as he stomped off to think up another way of trying to outwit his arch enemy.

RELATED POSTS: Little Tony and Little Gordon Fall Out
The Contraltos
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Emily and Tony

Obesely Morbid
2006-04-04

Las Vegas's local authority has become the latest in the US to put into service a new super-sized ambulance specially equipped to handle massively overweight patients. The vehicle, developed by the American Medical. Response unit, has a special ramp and a winch that can handle loads of 1,600lb (114 stone). In the past 6 months, AMR has dealt with 75 calls involving patients who weighed at least 600lb.

The obvious solution is to send a sugeon with the paramedics and take the patients away a bit at a time.

Baise- toi M. Chirac
2006-03-28

Jacques Chirac stormed out of an EU Summit in a fit of pique over a fellow Frenchman's decision to speak in English. M Chirac walked out of the meeting as it was being addressed by Ernest-Antoine Selliere, the president of the EU employer's federation. After a brief introduction in French, M Selliere said he would speak in English because it was the international business language.

At last they are starting to understand that to anyone except another Frenchman their language when spoken sounds like a cat throwing up a furball.

Half a shag?
2006-03-24

An Italian sexologist has found that couples who have television in their bedrooms have sex half as often as those who do not, from an average ofeight time a month to four. For the over 50s, the figure fell from seven to 1.5 times a month. Serenella Salomoni's researchers questioned 523 Italian couples.

Only a scientists could produce statistics that suggest people have been having half a shag.

Enough to Drive You Up The Great Wall
2006-03-16

China again topped the world list of road deaths and accidents last year, with nearly 99,000 people killed in 450,000 accidents. China's roads havelong been the deadliest in the world, largely as a result of drivers who switch lanes without signalling, ignore traffic lights, speed down the wrong side of the road or even throw their vehicles into reverse when they have missed a highway exit.

All pretty standard manouvres...

Of course with 9 million bicycles in Peking all you need is a couple of London minicab drivers.

Da-da da-da, da-da da-da, da-da da-da, da-da da-da Islam
2006-03-07

Batman has a new foe: Osama bin Laden. Plans to pit the caped crusader against the leader of Al-Qa'ida were unveiled at a comic book convention in California by Frank Miller, America's best-known graphic novel writer. His latest book, which he is half way through drawing and writing, will be called Holy Terror: Batman! And will feature a Bin Laden led terrorist attack on Gotham City.

Naturally the Wahabist puritan is offended by the suspect nature of the relationship shared by Batman and Robin. What beats me though is why it has taken him so long to target Gotham City

RELATED POSTS: Supermuslim
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You Live; You Die. And In Between You May As Well Have A Ciggy.
2006-02-25

The comment used in the title was made by a drinker in a West Gorton Working Men's Club on hearing that parliament had voted for a total ban on smoking in public places. West Gorton in Manchester is right in the heart of Shameless country. One wonders if the gentle and heartwarming tales of Frank Gallagher, his dysfunctional family and their bizarre friends will do for tourism in... read full post You Live, You Die

Head Girl
2006-02-12

News item of the week had to be the story of a Haitian woman who was stopped by customs and immigration officials at Miami when an airport security scanner showed she had a human head in hand luggage she intended to take onto the aircraft. The woman told security officers the head was needed for voodoo magic to ward off evil spirits. A spokesman said "incidents like this serve to remind us there are a lot of strange people out there."

Now with such a gift for understatement he really should be British. Travelling around with a dead head in your overnight bag is more than strange, its effing insane.

- Pissed as a Thrush
2006-02-10

Scientists who conducted tests on 40 songbirds found dead in Vienna, capital of Austria say they didn't die of bird flu as first feared, but slammed into windows after becoming drunk from eating fermented berries. The birds had livers so diseased "they were like chronic alcoholics".

I'm glad I read this news, I have been wondering why the birds in my garden were all singing "My Way" out of tune and yelling "drink", "feck" and "arse" at regular intervals.

RELATED POSTS:
Cluedo: It Was The Drunken Elk In The Orchard
Rat Arsed Badger badgers are stubborn and incredibly strong creatures. So what do you do when you meet one that has been on the bevvy?

Groundhog Day

2006-02-09

Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog who fans say is never wrong, last week predicted six more weeks of winter in the US, matching the forecast of meteorologists. According to legend, as seen in the film Groundhog Day, when the groundhog emerges from hibernation on 2 February and sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter. If he does not see his shadow, spring is near.

This is all very good for the tourist trade but Boggart Blog, the blog that asks the difficult questions wants to know how groundhogs are supposed to know a shadow from a damp patch on the ground?

Keep asking this question until you get it right ...

Followed by a cake. Also figuring in Rev. Nosher's diet were pizzas, Chinese takeaways and dozens of offertory cream cakes baked by the sexually frustrated ladies of the Womens' Institute. (More tea Vicar, it will help the little blue pill go down.)

There was slice upon slice of toast and marmalade, toast and jam and what looked suspiciously like Dairylea on toast which I thought was only eaten by students.

And Pork Pies galore of course, in both the real and metaphorical sense as the man deluded himself about the amount he was scoffing.

It did not take the blessed Gillian long to get down to the jobbie of analysing the pastor's plops. Wearing an expression that ought to have said the stink was purgatory had it not been the same face she wears when confronted by cute children and small, furry animals she concluded the featured faeces had the consistency a chocolate mousse though the colour was quite good.

Too much information you might think.

Well so did I but I have to tell you there is nothing in The Bible that forbids a man of God from parading his poo on TV.

RELATED POSTS:
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Paris or Pratt's Bottom (celebrity television )
by ianrthorpe
2006-01-31

Celebrity air - head Paris Hilton thinks she need not care whether London, Dublin or "somewhere" is the capital of Britain because she is rich. Well OK, when you are seriously rich I suppose you can pay people to know stuff for you, but that kind of takes the fun out of it to my mind. I like knowing stuff.

Chantelle, non - Celebrity winner of Celebrity Big Brother (how's that for post modern irony) is with the Paris Hilton school of thought. She neither knows nor cares where big, important places are - and why should she as the only place outside Essex she is ever likely to go involves getting a taxi to "the place of the big silver bird" and being transported in its belly to the Costa Essexa.

Apart from single figure IQs these two young women have only one other thing in common (unless there is a high class brothel called Chantelle in Paris,) an inflated sense of entitlement. The attitude seems to go "I didn't ask to be born, so now I am here you all have a duty to keep me entertained. I wonder if either of them realise how many happy hours can be spent looking at an Atlas?

Slightly more scary than the people who demand to be entertained however are those who demand the right to try and entertain us all. Michael Barrymore demands just that as fresh from his Big Brother debacle he touts for a television comeback in which he plans to front a revamped Strike It Smutty in his own very imitable way. (Blueprint for a perfect Barrymore impersonation: Build a career on mimicking the Monty Python silly walk, spend a decade popping in and out of the closet like a Liberal Democrat on speed, have a year long and very public breakdown, do shitloads of self-pity as long suffering wife cracks up for real and then fuck off to New Zealand until you think the media have forgotten about the stiff in the swimming pool: is this the kind of person we would invite into our living rooms?

Well the TV company responsible for Ready Steady Cook, Wifeswap and Holiday Showdown think it is as they are taking the come-back idea seriously.

To be fair, Barrymore's blubbering and bitching on Celebrity Big Brother was only slightly less embarrassing that George Galloway being a cat or Pete Burns being.... well, Pete Burns but as for a TV comeback? I'd rather see Chantelle hosting Mastermind.

RELATED POSTS: Let Her Breasts Satisfy Thee At All Times
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Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot

It Pays To Know Where You Are
by ian R Thorpe
2006-01-25

A current British Airways advertising campaign, which I noticed in today's paper made me look twice. It featured a map of South America, showing Dubai on the coast of Brazil. This is obviously a cunning ploy by the national airline to attract business from the American government.

Geography has never been one of the major strengths of the U.S. education system. People have long argued that Christopher Columbus (or Cristobal Colon if we are being picky) should not be credited as the discoverer of America as he did not know where he was (and Amerigo Vespucci did?) Not knowing where one is quickly came to be the status quo among influential Americans, thus you will find most of Kansas City in the state of Missouri and likewise Virginia City in Montana while the city of Washington missed its related state by the width of the continent. No wonder the current President can't find fairly big countries on the world map. Mind, he did recently reveal he has difficulty finding his way out of the room he is in, but Dubya's grasp of who he is seems shaky so knowing where he is might be expecting too much.

All of this gives the world cause for hope of course. If people can be led to believe Dubai is in South America they could equally be convinced that Iran is in Antarctica and spend a few years running round the frozen waste shooting insurgent penguins of mass destruction.

RELATED POSTS:
Dumbing Down

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot

Lib Dems Shoot Themselves In The Dog
by Ian R Thorpe
2006-01-23

Its a long time since we had a good sex scandal involving a Liberal politician and then what do you know? Two come along together.

Latest smack in the face with a big dead fish for the party that would like to see itself as "the natural party of opposition is the Mark Oaten "rent boy" scandal. A single mention of rent boys and poof hey presto!, both Mr Oaten's and the party's credibility is up in smoke (and the Boggart is once again shown to be not above stealing old Kenneth Williams jokes.)

Don't you love the tabloids' choice of language though? Not homosexual lover, not kamp* paramour but rent - boy with all its implicit sleazy allusions to spotty adolescents in baseball caps and back alleys in Soho. Oaten's alleged lover is a twenty three year old man who allegedly advertised himself on the net as available for sex at a rate of 80 per session.

Someone savvy enough, if there is any substance in the allegations, to know the real value of an illicit affair with an up-and-coming (unfortunate phrase in the context perhaps) politician, even one of the Liberal Democrat persuasion.

Mark Oaten is surely finished. Few people care much that he is gay, more care that he carried on a gay relationship while presenting himself as a staid, heterosexual family man thus revealing himself as a hypocrite but everybody should care that he was a big enough fool to think he could get away with it, after all this is no trivial matter like for example committing the nation to an illegal war.

The party may recover from the demise of a leadership contender because the party is not responsible for his sex life and it is not as though he shot anybody's dog.

*KAMP, original version of camp, was an acronym written on police charge sheets when homosexuality was still a crime. It stands for Known As Male Prostitute.

RELATED POSTS: Liberal Democrat Reality

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot

There's a moose loose about this hoose
by Ian R Thorpe
2006-01-21

News From America.

------------------ A man who tried to kill a mouse by throwing it on a pile of burning leaves got a shock when the mouse ran back into his house and set it alight. Luciano Mares, 81 of Fort Sumner, New Mexico, said the fire destroyed all the contents of his home.

I remember that mouse, he used to work in Hollywood - as comic partner to a really stupid cat. Oh well I guess the cat died so he found a stupid old guy.

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot

"He's behind you!"
"Oh no he isn't."
"Oh yes he is."

There is a large explosion and the theatre is reduced to rubble.

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot
A Sign of Success?
by Ian R Thorpe
2006-01-18

A human resources firm in China says it will only hire candidates born in the Asian zodiac's year of the dog, believing they are most suited to its needs. The Cinhese are great believers in the supernatural and he lunar-calendar astrology used in China, counts the coming year, beginning 29 January, as a dog year. The Asian zodiac assigns a different animal to each year in a 12-year-cycle, each of which is credited with different personality traits.

Could this system be applied to western human resources departments? Well the people who make John West tinned foods could refuse to hire people who aren't born under Pisces or Cancer. Daytime T.V. media correspondents might best be chosen from among only Scorpios, Lawyers would have to show they were Librans and people in the water industry would obviously be Aquarians. After that it gets quite difficult. But the system could extend beyond the workplace. How about a rule that Premiership footbalers have to be born under the sign of CApricorn on account of goats being so randy?

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot
Throw Another Roo On The Barbie
by ianrthorpe
2006-01-16

Australians could soon be tossing a chunk of australus on the barbecue,because of plans to rename kangaroo meat and divorce it from its cuddly Skippy image. A food magazine hit on the idea of organising an international competition to come up with a euphemism - akin to beef for cow and venison for deer - to make kangaroo more palatable. Among the suggestions received were kangasaurus,marsupan, roadkill and jumpmeat. Mel Nathan, editor of the magazine Food Companion International said that"australus" sounded dignified and linked the meat with its country of provenance.

"Wotcha say Skip? You don't care what they call you, its still effing hot on that barbie?"

Top Of PageThe Daily StirrerMore ComedyHomeBoggart Blog DailyA Tale Told By An Idiot
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February 2020

Afer EU Engineered Hiatus Italy Heading For New Elections?
Matteo Salvini's Lega are by far the most popular political party in Italy and have been for some time, only a stitch up engineered by the Brussels bureaucracy has kept them out of power. But Brussels determination to prevent any Eurosceptic party becoming part of a governing coalition in any member state reveals the true, authoritarian nature of the European Union.

Sweden dystopia omnibusSwedish Communist Party: The Left Has Abandoned the Working Class For Migrants & LGBT issues
Are the left getting it at last? Is the message sinking in that the grass roots movements have been infiltrated and hijacked by middle class intellectuals. Are they starting to realise that the obsession with identity politics has supplanted income inequality, housing availability, jobs and the cost of living ... ?

Is the World Health Organization involved in biological warfare research?
Dr. Francis Boyle, a professor of international law, talked in a recent interview with about the Wuhan coronavirus now sweeping through the far east, laboratory in Wuhan, China, where the genetically modified virus appears to have originated, and the World Health Organization’s (WHO) clandestine involvement in biological warfare research ...Continue reading

13-year-old fights school policy allowing ‘trans girls’ into girls’ changing room February 7, 2020 (Paul Smeaton, LifeSiteNews) – A 13-year-old UK girl is taking her local council to court after it issued guidance that would allow boys who identify as “transgender girls” to access girls’ bathrooms, changing rooms, and dormitory rooms on student trips.
The guidance was issued last year as part of the Oxfordshire County Council’s “Trans Inclusion Toolkit for School 2019” project.

RACIST BRITAIN: ‘Black Studies’ Professor Says British Empire Was Worse Than Nazi GermanyBritain’s first professor of “Black Studies”, (yes you can get a Mickey Mouse degree from Toytown University in Black Studies,) who is aquiring quite a reputation for uttering ‘hate speech’ against Britain and white people in general, has now opined the British Empire did “far more harm” than Hitler’s Germany, and branded “whiteness” a “... Continue reading”.

Big Pharma billionaire charged with conspiracy and bribery of doctors
Not long ago it would have been inconceivable that one day a Big Pharma company founder and owner would be arrested for running a criminal drug cartel, but that is exactly what happened a few days ago. “Federal authorities arrested the billionaire founder and owner of Insys Therapeutics Thursday on charges of bribing doctors and pain clinics into prescribing the company’s fentanyl product to their patients ...

Coronavirus Contains “HIV Insertions”: Claim Stokes Fears Over Genetically Modified BioweaponFor the past two weeks mainstream media reporting of the epidemic of a new strain of coronavirus in China has been getting more and more hysterical. However, reports have pushed back against one "conspiracy theory" about the origins of the virus that has now infected as many as 70,000+ people in the central China city of Wuhan alone (depending on whom you believe).

Corona Virus: Should We Worry
The official data coming out of China and from other sources including the World Health Organisation (WHO) on the spread of the Wuhan coronavirus continues to suggest an exponential growth rate. With more and more infectious disease experts are now openly calling the virus a full-blown global pandemic, many people are asking should we in the west be worried and how bad might things get?

The Islamic Republic Of France
France’s left-wing elite are accused of cowardice for failing to support 16-year-old girl facing death threats after she insulted Islam online, the ruling class have been also accused of cowardice for failing to support a 16-year-old girl who has faced death threats after she allegedly insulted Islam online.

Clinton Kill List To Determine Who Will Be US 2020 Presidential Candidate?
And then, in accordance with Murphy’s law, which states just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do, Hillary Clinton has emerged, having found what she obviously thinks is a sure – fire route to the presidency, to offer her services as vice presidential candidate to whoever wins the nomination. And just to show how far The Democrats are removed from reality, many leading figures in the party and the left leaning media think it’s a good idea.

January 2020

Coronavirus Contains “HIV Insertions”: Claim Stokes Fears Over Genetically Modified Bioweapon
The theory that China obtained the coronavirus via a Canadian research program, and started molding it into a bioweapon at the Institute of Virology in Wuhan before it somehow escaped could be an attempt by the establishment (the Davosocracy,) to spread fear and panic as they see resurgent nationalism across the developed world and growing scepticism about

Italy most likely member to quit the EU and demand independence after Brexit -shock poll 23:01 (11 pm) 31 January, the United Kingdom is no longer part of the European Union.

Throughout the day, the last on which the UK will be a member of the European Union, more than 7,000 people took part in an online, and completely meaningless except as a gesture, poll which asked which nation they thought would be next to leave the 27 member bloc ...

US Democratic Party Orders Google To Spread Globalist Propaganda
The U.S. House of Representatives Select Committee on the Climate Crisis has demanded, in a letter to Google CEO Sudar Pichai that the Internet Search giant demonetize climate skeptics, and provide 'education' to millions of people who have been exposed to “dangerous misinformation”. Key actions demanded of Google by The Democrats are:

Time is NOT real: Physicists show EVERYTHING happens at the same time

The concept of time is simply an illusion made up of human memories, everything that has ever been and ever will be is happening RIGHT NOW. That is the theory according to a group of esteemed physicists who aim to solve one of the universe’s mysteries.
Most people do not even consider the concept of time but there is nothing in the laws of physics to state that it should move in the forward direction that we know. The laws of physics are symmetric ultimately meaning that time could have easily moved in a backward direction as it does forward. Indeed some adherents to the ‘big crunch’ theory say time WILL run backwards when the universe stops expanding and starts contracting back in on itself.

The BBC is panicking at the public’s rejection of its arrogant Left-liberal worldview
This is nearly over – this weird disconnect between what most of us understand as reality and the world as seen through the eyes of an all pervasive Authority that was apparently appointed (although we never knew by whom) to establish the limits of public discourse. The crisis of confidence at the BBC – and make no mistake, it is a full blown, all alarm bells ringing, catastrophic crisis ...

The grooming gang cover-up is Britain’s real racism scandal

Forget pathetic 'Princess Pushy' Megan Markle petulantly playing the race card when she found life in the goldfish bowl occupied by Britain's Royal Family was not to her liking, the grooming gang cover up is Britain's racist scandal - and it is far worse than the trivialities that get American libtards screaming about "White Privilege ..."

John McCain’s Widow Comments on Jeffrey Epstein’s Sex Trafficking ChargesJohn McCain’s Widow Comments on Jeffrey Epstein’s Sex Trafficking Charges


Speaking at a human trafficking event in Florida, McCain revealed that her family was quite familiar with Epstein’s wrongdoings as one girl from her daughter’s high school was actually among the financier’s underage victims, then suddenly acknowledging that she “knew” about his crimes.
More posts:

French Intellectual Jailed for Calling Mass Immigration an “Invasion”
French intellectual Renaud Camus (above) has been conditionally sentenced to 2 months imprisonment for arguing that mass immigration in Europe represents an “invasion.” Summit.news reports: The writer, who is the author of Le Grand Remplacement (The Great Replacement), was charged with “public incitement to hate or violence on the basis of origin, ethnicity, nationality, race or religion.”

“Hard” Of Hearing? PornHub Being Sued By Deaf Man For Lack Of Subtitles
We read today that sex supermaket site PornHub is being sued by Yaroslav Suris, who has filed a lawsuit claiming that its lack of PornHub’s lack of subtitles for the hard of hearing is discriminatory. Suris’ bone of contention is that the website violates his rights under the Americans With Disabilities Act, according to showbiz gossip site TMZ, which broke the story ...

Quitaly Back On As Salvini Prepares To Take On The EU
While the bureaucraps of Brussels were still congratuating themselves on forcing Matteo Salvini’s Lega party out of Italy’s governernment, mainstream media barely bothered to cover the news that Lega won the state elections in Umbria towards the end of October 2019. Thus the story that should have had Europhiles like Emmanuel Macron and Guy Verhofshit crapping themselves was barely noticed.

Police Failed To Act Against Muslim Grooming Gang Due To Fears Over "Community Tensions" A new report based on the evidence of former Grester Manchester Police Detective Constable Maggie Oliver acknowledges that the force failed to stop dozens of girls being groomed and sexually exploited by a network of Pakistani men despite being fully aware of what was happening due to fears over creating “community tensions.” The report notes that the instruction to avoid prosecuting came "right from the top ..."

Asian grooming gang given free pass to rape; police officers told ‘find other ethnicities’ to investigate – detective.
A report published today, authored by child protection specialist Malcolm Newsam CBE and former senior police officer Gary Ridgway, comes following the reopening of an investigation into the death of 15-year-old Victoria Agoglia, who – after years of abuse and days after she was injected with heroin by a 50-year-old man – died in hospital of an overdose in 2003.

Greta Thunberg Slams Australia for Coal Industry, Expands List of Climate Demands
Little Greta Thunberg, who was elected by nobody apparently now speaks for us all on matters relating to climate change. The Swedish climate change hustler who is making a fortune for her handlers from donations to her campaign, again castigated Australia for continuing to mine and export coal despite her previous complaints, adding a call for an end worldwide to the actibity to her list of climate demands to be delivered at the upcoming World Economic Forum in Davos ...

Macron Digs In Against The General Strike, But Could It Finish Him?
As the French braces itself for the latest wave of protests and strikes across the country, as attitudes harden against President Emmanuel Macron's pension and retirement system reforms. Karel Vereycken, vice-president of France's Solidarity and Progress Party, has given his version what's behind the recent wave of strikes and why Macron's efforts to calm the situation down are backfiring.

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